Derek Jeter Forgoes $5 Million Salary So He Doesn’t Have to Appear on Marlins Payroll

by Alex Poletti
Photo by AP Photo

Amid the coronavirus pandemic, some industry leaders are doing what they can to help their business and employees stay afloat during these uncertain times. Hall of Fame shortstop and Marlins CEO Derek Jeter has joined that list, forgoing his salary of $5 million; however, Jeter tells The Second String that this was only to avoid the embarrassment of being listed on the Marlins’ payroll.

“I didn’t want to be one of those billionaires who profits off this mess,” Jeter says. “And by this mess I mean the absolute pile of dog shit that is the Miami Marlins.”

The Miami Marlins have proven to be perhaps baseball’s biggest failure of the 2010s, once touting an All-Star outfield of Christian Yelich, Marcell Ozuna and Giancarlo Stanton with no winning seasons to show for it.

“I’d say it’s like receiving blood money, but at least when you kill someone there’s a positive impact in terms of carbon emissions,” Jeter explains. “I don’t think there’s a way to justify being paid by the Marlins.”

Jeter became CEO of the team back in 2017, when he and billionaire Bruce Sherman bought the team. Since then, his most recent accomplishments have been getting rid of two MVPs and a Silver Slugger for the sake of bringing the team back to profitability.

“We are on the road to profitability, but at what cost?” Jeter says, on the brink of tears. “Is it worth it? All the carnage? The horrors that we have seen? Letting Brad Ziegler close games?”

While the move is controversial, the former Yankee great isn’t the only one to feel this way about the struggling team.

“I definitely get it,” manager Don Mattingly, who has a .427 winning percentage over four years with the squad, says. “I came from the Dodgers. There was a time in my life when I had a managerial record above .500. I actually asked the Marlins to credit me as Alan Smithee, but they said I had to appear on the payroll and in the record books with my legal name.”

Luckily for Jeter, he can use the money for something good, helping support Marlins stadium workers during the current economic downturn.

“Thank God we have this epidemic right now,” Jeter says. “Otherwise, I’d have nowhere to dump the cash. Everyone would know something was up.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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