by Alex Poletti
Photo by Hans Gutknecht/Digital First Media/Los Angeles Daily News via Getty
NBA star and philanthropist LeBron James has done it again this week, vowing to honor the class of 2020 by hosting a graduation event which will feature the all-time great dunking on a few lucky graduating seniors.
“I really wanted to do something special for the kids,” the 16-time All-Star says. “Graduating high school is a huge milestone, and the class of 2020 doesn’t get that privilege. So I thought, what would these down-on-their-luck kids appreciate more than getting absolutely posterized by an NBA legend?”
Based on essay and video submissions, the LeBron James Family Foundation will select ten fortunate would-be graduates to guard James one-on-one in the Laker forward’s state-of-the-art home facility. He will then proceed to humiliate those kids with awe-inspiring dunks in a live-stream event that the participants won’t soon forget.
“I want each kid’s experience to be special and unique,” James explains. “So it’s going to be a different dunk every time. Maybe I’ll go from the free-throw line, maybe I’ll just two-hand it from the paint. If the moment seems right, I may even break some ankles. For the kids.”
All seniors are eligible to apply, regardless of previous basketball experience. The three-time NBA champion tells The Second String that regardless of what their plans are post-graduation, how well they did in school or whether or not they’ve ever played basketball, they will without a doubt get destroyed by BronBron’s savage dunks.
“We’re looking for people from diverse backgrounds,” the “Space Jam 2” star says. “We want this event to represent all of the seniors. Hopefully, we can show that regardless of race, gender or socioeconomic status, we are all united by one thing: the fact that LeBron James could totally dunk on you.”
The special will air on May 16 on Fox, CBS, NBC and ABC, as well as Youtube, TikTok and other social media platforms. James has also scheduled live performances from music stars like H.E.R. and Pharell Williams.
“We thought if Pharell sings ‘Happy’ after every dunk, the kids will get that extra dose of shame,” James says. “We also have Malala Yousafzai speaking to tell the kids that even though she was shot in the face, it still wasn’t as bad as the dunk you just got served up.”
*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.