Tom Brady Blames Bucs Uniform for Two Picks

by Alex Poletti
Photo by SB Nation

After an unexpected loss for the much-hyped, new-look Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tom Brady blamed his Bucs uniform and new role as Tampa Bay quarterback for his poor quarterback play, including two interceptions.

“I think there’s something to be said about being the Bucs’ quarterback. It’s harder than it looks,” the former Patriot says. “I remember watching Jameis [Winston] play and think, ‘I can do better than that.’ Apparently not.”

Though he made an impressive early connection to Chris Godwin and capped his first drive with a running touchdown from a classic QB sneak play, Brady started to slip the longer he wore the black, white and red.

“I don’t know what happened in the second quarter there,” Brady says about his first interception almost 20 minutes into the game. “I saw my target, started to throw, but something just made me put a little extra juice on it. I swear that never happened when I was wearing a Patriots uniform.”

The curse of the Bucs quarterback is nothing new, with five-year starter Jameis Winston suffering from massive accuracy issues, culminating in the first ever 30-30 season, in which Winston threw 30-plus touchdowns and 30 interceptions. Pundits expected the tides to turn with Brady at the helm, but it just seems like more of the same.

“Now you know,” Winston, now free at last with the Saints, says after the game. “You think it’s easy with Bruce Arians in your ear, a lackluster crowd and a humid environment, don’t you? But now you see what it’s really like.”

The night culminated in the third quarter when Brady’s pass was picked off by Janoris Jenkins and returned for a touchdown, a pattern all too familiar for Bucs fans.

“I know I should have been disappointed,” Brady says. “I’ve thrown pick-sixes in the past, and I’ve always felt awful. But now, I felt—I don’t know if this is the right word—comfortable? There was a voice in the back of my head saying, ‘good, good,’ and I swear to god it was coming from the polyester of my jersey.”

It may just be nerves. It may be a lack of practice. It may of course be a massive conspiracy to keep the citizens of Florida as crazy and coked up as possible. Luckily, head coach Bruce Arians helped clear the air.

“I think he’s just getting in the swing of this offense,” the head coach says. “Given the two picks, it seems like he’s getting the hang of it pretty well.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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