NFL Week 3: Top Fantasy Football Tips from The Second String

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Mark Lomoglio/Associated Press

Though it’s still early in the season, week 3 is pivotal in any fantasy football team; whether you’re trying to extend that undefeated start or coming back from a heartbreaking loss, there’s no better time than the present to set the tone. With that in mind, here are the top fantasy football tips of the week, brought to you by The Second String.

1. Catfish Devonta Freeman
If you’re the lucky chap who plucked Devonta Freeman off the waiver wire after Saquon Barkley’s season-ending injury; congratulations, but your work isn’t done yet. Once a Pro-Bowler that could strike fear into any fantasy opponent’s eyes, the oft-injured Freeman not only has to deal with an inconsistent track record, but a whole new playbook after signing with the Giants just a few days ago. The one thing this guy needs is confidence, and you’re just the person to give it to him. Putting the “hot girlfriend theory” a la “Moneyball” to work, it’s up to you to get Freeman up to Pro Bowl status Manti Te’o style. Forge a hot-girl Instagram account and slide into his DMs. If your flirty comments are spicy enough, you may be able to give Freeman the boost he needs to rush over 100 yards with a touchdown or two.

2. Get as close to Russell Wilson as you can without getting a restraining order
Another year, another MVP-caliber season from Russell Wilson. The Seahawks quarterback has been lighting the league on fire so far, leading the league with a whopping nine touchdowns over the first two games. Wilson is great, and he’s bringing everyone else up around him. Start Chris Carson, DK Metcalf, whoever you can. Get a lock of his hair, steal his shampoo. Whatever you can do to get some of that good Russell Wilson ju-ju (within the bounds of the law, my attorney requires me to say), do it.

3. Invest in Bitcoin
This one may seem a bit circuitous, but trust us on this one. While a good lineup is daunting, nothing is more intimidating than a successful opponent. Bitcoin is on the way up again, and when your work friends or high school buddies see that you’ve put a considerable amount of your life savings into Bitcoin, they’ll know they’re messing with someone who knows what the fuck he’s doing. And even if you don’t win this week, they’ll see who the real winner is when you roll up in 2023 in your brand new Maserati.

4. Falsely accuse Aaron Rodgers of treason or leave him to die after a bear attack
Our favorite week 1 narrative was Aaron Rodgers’ revenge quest against the Packers after they drafted Jordan Love in the first round to replace him. While he was no slouch in week 2, the revenge-driven passion seemed to fizzle out. So for week 3, we recommend you turn to the classics, taking a page out of “The Count of Monte Cristo” or “The Revenant” to get Rodgers as disgruntled as ever. If you can get him to stew in anger over the course of several years in prison before Sunday’s game against the Saints, get ready for a standout performance.

5. Start a Bolshevik revolution to equally distribute points among league members
We don’t recommend this to players in the playoff hunt, but for those of you who got stuck with an auto-drafted team or spent high draft picks on Barkley or Christian McCaffrey, you haven’t got a whole lot to lose. Challenge the Czarist system that sees the bourgeoisie reap the benefits of the poor drafting skills of the proletariat. It’s up to you to redistribute the wealth of all players equally, to create not a competitive environment, but a collaborative one. This may end in bloodshed, but such is the price of true progress.

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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