BREAKING: Dwayne Haskins Signs with Washington Professional Strip Club

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Scott Galvin, USA TODAY Sports

Despite an unceremonious end to his tenure with the Washington Football Team, former first round pick Dwayne Haskins didn’t stay on the market for long, signing with the Washington Professional Strip Club, the premier gentlemen’s club in the nation’s capital.

“We see a lot of potential in Dwayne, and we think he can really help our club moving forward,” Strip Club owner Tom Dwelling says. “We know he has a lot to learn, but we think this is the right place to hone his skills.”

From the get go, Haskins clashed with first-year coach Ron Rivera. With poor play on the field, 14 interceptions against just 12 touchdowns in two seasons, terrible leadership and a penchant for visiting specific establishments, Haskins’ superiors had gone through enough to cut the former 15th-overall pick.

“It’s embarrassing when your poor decisions off the field prevent you from being the face of a franchise,” Washington owner Dan Snyder says. “It’s especially embarrassing when the team you’re too troubled to represent is Washington.”

Still, the potential is there. With a good arm and an impressive college resume, it isn’t out of the question that Haskins can find other suitors in the future. For now, however, it seems that he has found his perfect fit.

“My heart just wasn’t in it with Washington,” Haskins says. “But now, I’ve found a place where my heart—and other parts of my body, too—can be totally in it, all the time. Getting paid to do what I love, it’s a dream come true.”

The Washington Professional Strip Club had previously looked for other stars to sign, hoping to trade for strip club aficionado James Harden when he was requesting out of Houston. With Haskins, though, they’ve found an affordable, younger option that they hope to build around.

“We’ve found so far that he’s incredibly easy to work with and a natural leader,” Star-Lite XXXpress, one of the club’s brightest stars, says. “He is a young guy, but he’s got a veteran’s presence—you can tell he loves it and spends a lot of his own time working on it. He only has one odd request, which is that we call him captain.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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