Football Team Somehow Least Embarrassing Thing in Washington DC This Week

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

There’s been a reversal of fortune in the nation’s capital this week, as—thanks to an unexpected playoff berth and a LOT of help from a select group of people—the Washington Football Team is no longer the least embarrassing thing in their city.

“I didn’t see this coming, I’ll say that much,” head coach Ron Rivera says. “I guess I’m glad? I don’t know. We’re still a 7-9 playoff team. And it took a hell of a lot to dethrone us as the worst thing about Washington.”

For years, the combination of a racist nickname and poor on-field performance has resulted in Washingtonians turning their heads, but after a group of domestic terrorists stormed and damaged the Capitol Building and caused four deaths in the process in response to congress’s attempting to certify Joe Biden’s electoral college victory over Donald Trump, the citizens of DC have been more than eager to talk about football than anything else.

“Chase Young? Yeah he’s great, that’s what we should focus on today,” Rupert Roundtree, a native of the nation’s capital, says. “It’s nice to feel proud of the team, even if it’s just in comparison to everything else going on.”

So how did a team under .500 with a shameful, decades-long history and almost zero chance of beating Tom Brady and the Bucs become the darling of DC? Easy: by default.

“In San Francisco, even when the 49ers are bad, they still have sourdough,” Roundtree explains. “New York has the Jets and the Giants, but they also have Broadway and the Statue of Liberty. Right now in Washington, a win in one of the most pathetic divisions in football history is about as good as we can do.”

A surprise player in the ongoings of Washington this week has been Twitter. The site has actively been involved in quelling the drama in DC, locking the president out of his account for inciting violence in his tweets, while simultaneously removing all tweets supporting the Football Team for spreading loads of false information.

“It became clear that we couldn’t just stand by and watch this happen. We had to step in,” Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says. “Of course, I’m referring to the misinformation being widely spread by members of a cultish group known as Washington Football fans, saying that their team has the potential to beat Tom Brady and the Bucs. This has to be stopped at all costs.”

Seriously though, it’s a shit show in Washington right now. Cut it out guys.

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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