New York Jets Fire Adam Gase in Fancy Restaurant So He Won’t Make a Scene

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Ron Chenoy 

In a move the football world has seen coming since before the season began, the New York Jets have decided to part ways with head coach Adam Gase after an abysmal season. Hoping to avoid making a scene, the Jets decided to conduct this meeting at a fancy restaurant.

“I wanted to do this in public so you wouldn’t make a big deal about this,” the Jets told a tearful Gase stuffing himself with free breadsticks, “but I don’t see a future here. I think it’s time that we go our separate ways. I wish you the best going forward.”

Gase was a surprise choice for the head coaching job to begin with, with many believing that the Jets were out of his league and not ready for commitment, having just gotten out of a long term coaching relationship with Todd Bowles. What followed was a lackluster tenure, going 9-22 over two seasons.

“I thought we could make this work, I thought we had a future here!” Gase responded, with waiters and customers looking on with increasing discomfort. “I know that things were rocky, but we’ve had two wins here. Does that mean nothing to you?”

While Gase understood that the relationship was problematic, he looked to other coach-team relationships on the mend as signs that the two could work things out.

“Look at Doug [Pederson] and the Eagles,” Gase continued. “They’ve had their rough spots, but they are working through it together. We can be that way! Just believe me, can’t you see that we have potential?”

Despite his crescendoing pleading, the Jets decided to shut him down once and for all, to the relief of the waitstaff desperately trying to shove the check into Gase’s hands.

“I just need to focus on myself right now,” the Jets said, trying to let him down easy. “I don’t think it’s fair to you to drag you along for this process of self-discovery. In short, it’s not you, it’s me.”

Insiders tell The Second String that the Jets are looking for a no-strings-attached rebound, while Gase is rooming with fellow commiserator Hue Jackson and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s.

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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