Author: Luke DePalatis

Brewers to Replace Christian Yelich with Pete Davidson for Remainder of Season

by Alex Poletti

Brewers fans everywhere were heartbroken as superstar outfielder Christian Yelich crouched in agony after taking a foul ball off his right knee. After the game had concluded, the team announced that the reigning MVP’s knee cap was fractured as a result of the incident, ending his season. Milwaukee, still in the thick of the postseason race, was quick to sign comedian and certified Yelich look-alike Pete Davidson to replace his doppleganger for the rest of the year.

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Browns Fans Celebrate After Losing By Only 30 Points

by Alex Poletti

After a breakout season from quarterback Baker Mayfield last year and a blockbuster trade for the league’s most dynamic wide receiver in Odell Beckham Jr. this offseason, the Cleveland Browns looked primed to compete for a Lombardi trophy entering week one of NFL play. Reality hit pretty quickly as they were handed a 43-13 loss at the hands of the Tennessee Titans. However, Browns fans can’t complain, as the 30-point loss was their closest in several years.
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BREAKING: NFL Deemed Andrew Luck Too Nice to be a Part of the League

by Luke DePalatis

On August 24, 2019, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck stood in front of the press to announce his retirement from the NFL for mental health reasons. At the time, this seemed to push the narrative of the physical and mental toll that the sport takes on its players, but today the real reason for his “retirement” was published: the NFL simply thinks he’s too nice, and he makes the other players look bad.

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State Farm Roster Gets Significant Boost After Trading Cliff Paul for Roman Westbrook

by Luke DePalatis

NBA player Russell Westbrook’s brother, Roman Westbrook, has announced his excitement to join an all new team: State Farm.

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Baseball World Shocked to Discover that Pitcher Who Was Never Good but Suddenly is Good Taking Drugs that Make Him Good

by Luke DePalatis

Major League Baseball announced earlier today that Oakland Athletics pitcher Frankie Montas has been suspended 80 games for his use of the performance enhancing drug Ostarine. The announcement comes as a shock to the baseball world, who has been admiring Montas’ surgence in this season. Montas proudly owns a 9-2 record with a dazzling 2.70 ERA through 90 innings pitched.

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Toronto Fans Blasted for Cheering After Eight-Year-Old Warriors Fan Falls, Skins Knee

by Luke DePalatis

After the Golden State Warriors managed to pull together a miracle win in the NBA finals last night, all was looking up for 8-year-old Timmy Miller, a local Oakland resident and Warriors fan. Though an emotionally taxing game, due to Kevin Durant’s injury, Timmy was in his front yard, shooting hoops with his father, Todd.

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