Author: Luke DePalatis

BREAKING: Matthew Mcconaughey Stole Signs for the Houston Astros During the 2019 World Series

by Luke DePalatis
Photo by Getty

After days of speculation, fear, anger, and frustration, the truth is finally coming to light. Only a month after the Astros’ defeat in game seven of the 2019 World Series, scandal struck the heart of Texas. Rumored reports surfaced that suggested that the Astros stole signs from their opponents using a highly sophisticated system, sending video feed into the Astros dugout where someone would slam a trash can to inform the hitter of the opponents last pitch.

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Internet Divided After Charles Barkley Calls Klay Thompson a Little Fat Girl

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Kelley L Cox, USA TODAY Sports

After telling Warriors shooting guard Klay Thompson that his team’s window to make the playoffs had closed, Hall of Famer-turned-broadcaster Charles Barkley delivered the final blow to the three-time NBA champion, calling him a little fat girl live on the TNT broadcast.

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According to ESPN Analysts and Professional Fantasy Football Users, Christian McCaffrey Still Too White to be Good

by Luke DePalatis

When Carolina Panthers back Christian McCaffrey was drafted eighth overall in the 2017 draft, most of the NFL world laughed at the possibility of a 5’11, 200 pound white boy being considered a top-tier prospect. USA Today even wrote, “He’ll make an impact on all four downs. But is he worth a No. 8 pick? I’m not so sure.”

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BREAKING: NFL Deemed Andrew Luck Too Nice to be a Part of the League

by Luke DePalatis

On August 24, 2019, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck stood in front of the press to announce his retirement from the NFL for mental health reasons. At the time, this seemed to push the narrative of the physical and mental toll that the sport takes on its players, but today the real reason for his “retirement” was published: the NFL simply thinks he’s too nice, and he makes the other players look bad.

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State Farm Roster Gets Significant Boost After Trading Cliff Paul for Roman Westbrook

by Luke DePalatis

NBA player Russell Westbrook’s brother, Roman Westbrook, has announced his excitement to join an all new team: State Farm.

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Baseball World Shocked to Discover that Pitcher Who Was Never Good but Suddenly is Good Taking Drugs that Make Him Good

by Luke DePalatis

Major League Baseball announced earlier today that Oakland Athletics pitcher Frankie Montas has been suspended 80 games for his use of the performance enhancing drug Ostarine. The announcement comes as a shock to the baseball world, who has been admiring Montas’ surgence in this season. Montas proudly owns a 9-2 record with a dazzling 2.70 ERA through 90 innings pitched.

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Toronto Fans Blasted for Cheering After Eight-Year-Old Warriors Fan Falls, Skins Knee

by Luke DePalatis

After the Golden State Warriors managed to pull together a miracle win in the NBA finals last night, all was looking up for 8-year-old Timmy Miller, a local Oakland resident and Warriors fan. Though an emotionally taxing game, due to Kevin Durant’s injury, Timmy was in his front yard, shooting hoops with his father, Todd.

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