Author: Luke DePalatis

NFL Amends Rules to Allow Wheelchairs, Casts and Crutches After Slew of Week 2 Injuries

by Alex Poletti
Photo by USATSI

After one of the most brutal weeks injury-wise in football history, the NFL made an unprecedented move, agreeing unilaterally to a rule change mid-season to allow players to use wheelchairs, casts, crutches and even motor scooters for the rest of the year. This decision was due to the fact that so many players were injured that without the rule change, the NFL would be too understaffed to play week 3. Continue reading “NFL Amends Rules to Allow Wheelchairs, Casts and Crutches After Slew of Week 2 Injuries”

Tom Brady Blames Bucs Uniform for Two Picks

by Alex Poletti
Photo by SB Nation

After an unexpected loss for the much-hyped, new-look Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tom Brady blamed his Bucs uniform and new role as Tampa Bay quarterback for his poor quarterback play, including two interceptions. Continue reading “Tom Brady Blames Bucs Uniform for Two Picks”

Dana White Remedies Postponement By Declaring the Spread of Coronavirus an Illegal Move in UFC

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Zhe Ji / Getty Images

Despite the postponement of Saturday’s UFC 249 event, UFC president Dana White announced that he’s eyeing a May 9 return for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, which would make it the first sports organization to return to America. When asked about how the coronavirus pandemic may affect that, he said that he is amending the rules to make spreading coronavirus an illegal move in the UFC. Continue reading “Dana White Remedies Postponement By Declaring the Spread of Coronavirus an Illegal Move in UFC”

Joe Burrow Scrambles to Register for Sixth Year of College After Realizing He Has to Play for Bengals

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Kevin C. Cox / Getty Images

A week after top draft prospect Chase Young told reporters he is considering going back to The Ohio State University instead of entering the 2020 NFL draft, Heisman winner Joe Burrow announced he will try to attend LSU next year, despite graduating from Ohio State in 2018. The top quarterback in the class tells The Second String that his decision was inspired by the fact that he would have to play for the Bengals if he went pro.

Continue reading “Joe Burrow Scrambles to Register for Sixth Year of College After Realizing He Has to Play for Bengals”

Robber Leaves Cowboys Season Tickets After Breaking Into Dallas Man’s House

by Luke DePalatis
Photo by Getty

On the evening of December 5th, 2019, Dallas native Carl Hughes was returning home from a local bar after witnessing the horrific defeat of the Dallas Cowboys to the Chicago Bears. Hughes immediately noticed something was amiss the second he pulled into his driveway, quickly realizing his house had been broken into.

Continue reading “Robber Leaves Cowboys Season Tickets After Breaking Into Dallas Man’s House”

BREAKING: Matthew Mcconaughey Stole Signs for the Houston Astros During the 2019 World Series

by Luke DePalatis
Photo by Getty

After days of speculation, fear, anger, and frustration, the truth is finally coming to light. Only a month after the Astros’ defeat in game seven of the 2019 World Series, scandal struck the heart of Texas. Rumored reports surfaced that suggested that the Astros stole signs from their opponents using a highly sophisticated system, sending video feed into the Astros dugout where someone would slam a trash can to inform the hitter of the opponents last pitch.

Continue reading “BREAKING: Matthew Mcconaughey Stole Signs for the Houston Astros During the 2019 World Series”

According to ESPN Analysts and Professional Fantasy Football Users, Christian McCaffrey Still Too White to be Good

by Luke DePalatis

When Carolina Panthers back Christian McCaffrey was drafted eighth overall in the 2017 draft, most of the NFL world laughed at the possibility of a 5’11, 200 pound white boy being considered a top-tier prospect. USA Today even wrote, “He’ll make an impact on all four downs. But is he worth a No. 8 pick? I’m not so sure.”

Continue reading “According to ESPN Analysts and Professional Fantasy Football Users, Christian McCaffrey Still Too White to be Good”

BREAKING: NFL Deemed Andrew Luck Too Nice to be a Part of the League

by Luke DePalatis

On August 24, 2019, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck stood in front of the press to announce his retirement from the NFL for mental health reasons. At the time, this seemed to push the narrative of the physical and mental toll that the sport takes on its players, but today the real reason for his “retirement” was published: the NFL simply thinks he’s too nice, and he makes the other players look bad.

Continue reading “BREAKING: NFL Deemed Andrew Luck Too Nice to be a Part of the League”

State Farm Roster Gets Significant Boost After Trading Cliff Paul for Roman Westbrook

by Luke DePalatis

NBA player Russell Westbrook’s brother, Roman Westbrook, has announced his excitement to join an all new team: State Farm.

Continue reading “State Farm Roster Gets Significant Boost After Trading Cliff Paul for Roman Westbrook”

Baseball World Shocked to Discover that Pitcher Who Was Never Good but Suddenly is Good Taking Drugs that Make Him Good

by Luke DePalatis

Major League Baseball announced earlier today that Oakland Athletics pitcher Frankie Montas has been suspended 80 games for his use of the performance enhancing drug Ostarine. The announcement comes as a shock to the baseball world, who has been admiring Montas’ surgence in this season. Montas proudly owns a 9-2 record with a dazzling 2.70 ERA through 90 innings pitched.

Continue reading “Baseball World Shocked to Discover that Pitcher Who Was Never Good but Suddenly is Good Taking Drugs that Make Him Good”