Category: Basketball

Dinner with Vanessa Hudgens Gives Kyle Kuzma First Rebound of Season

by Alex Poletti
Photo by ESPN

Lakers forward Kyle Kuzma finally added a rebound to his stats this year by having dinner with “High School Musical” star Vanessa Hudgens just one week after she broke up with former Disney star Austin Butler.

Continue reading “Dinner with Vanessa Hudgens Gives Kyle Kuzma First Rebound of Season”

Zion Williamson Prepping Best Way to Pull Hamstring for Debut

by Alex Poletti
Photo by CBS Sports

David Griffin, Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations for the New Orleans Pelicans, announced that the team is eyeing a January 22 debut for Zion Williamson, the first overall draft pick in 2019. Zion tells The Second String that he’s spending the last few days before his debut trying to figure out the best way to pull his hamstring during his first NBA game. Continue reading “Zion Williamson Prepping Best Way to Pull Hamstring for Debut”

Coach on Joel Embiid’s Surgery: ‘It’ll Be The Most Consistent Two Weeks of His Season’

by Alex Poletti

The Philadelphia 76ers were dealt a blow on Thursday as they were informed that their center Joel Embiid will undergo surgery on a torn radial collateral ligament in his finger, which will force him to miss one to two weeks of play. When asked to comment, 76ers head coach Brett Brown told The Second String that it will be the most consistent one to two weeks of play Embiid will have all season.

Continue reading “Coach on Joel Embiid’s Surgery: ‘It’ll Be The Most Consistent Two Weeks of His Season’”

Blake Griffin Considering Season-Ending Comedy Career

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Tim Fuller-USA TODAY Sports

After a trip to Los Angeles to meet with a specialist on the subject, Detroit Pistons forward Blake Griffin is reportedly mulling over a season-ending comedy career. The former Clippers star has been limited to just 18 games this season because of comedy-related issues. Continue reading “Blake Griffin Considering Season-Ending Comedy Career”

Mavericks Bring Another Child Sacrifice to Luka Doncic Before Game

by Alex Poletti
Photo by NBC Sports

Not wanting to mess with tradition, the Mavericks continued their routine of bringing another child to Slovenian superstar Luka Doncic for him to eat before Dallas’s game against the Charlotte Hornets. The child, sources tell The Second String, has quasi-religious sacrificial significance, as well as an abundance of proteins and vitamins that make it an ideal superfood for the likely All-Star.

“We were informed by Luka’s people in the offseason that he performs best after devouring a child,” Mavericks head coach Rick Carlisle says. “We tried it out, and sure enough he’s having a monster season. I’ll admit, it’s more difficult to get him a willing parent to give up their child to be savagely eaten before road games, but at home we’ve been able to consistently get him what he needs to succeed.”

The results have been incredible. In his sophomore season, Doncic has averaged 29.1 points per game along with 8.9 assists, both third best in the league. As the leading scorer and playmaker on a hot Dallas squad, he has garnered serious MVP consideration alongside the perennial powerhouses of Giannis Antetokounmpo, James Harden and the Lakers power duo of Anthony Davis and LeBron James.

Today’s lucky child to be presented and later eaten raw by the 6’7 small forward was Brayden Winters, who was spotted by an assistant coach holding a pro-Luka sign in the second row. Doncic snapped a picture with the kid before consuming him and utilising his life force to reach a higher plane of basketball existence.

“This was my son’s dream!” father Ryan Winters says. “We love Luka and we’re so glad we can be helping the team succeed.”

While one may expect a certain level of apprehension from Dallas-area parents, fans with young children have been surprisingly willing to give up their children to help with Doncic’s MVP push.

“I totally get it,” Mary Tomlinson, mother of two, says. “Everyone in Dallas loves Luka. If you have a kid, especially if you have an extra one, you might as well donate them to Doncic. It’s not like they’ll be put to better use in the Dallas public school system. Personally, I’m saving my kids for the playoffs. When my kids get turned into a pre-game shake for Doncic, I want it to mean something, damnit.”

Dallas Mavericks #77
Luka Doncic 2019 Mens
Swingman Jersey White XL

Seth Curry Starts ‘New Year, New Me’ Off Well by Killing, Replacing Brother Steph

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

If Dallas Mavericks shooting guard Seth Curry’s New Year’s resolution was to become a better version of himself, both on and off the field, he certainly succeeded. Adhering to the “New Year, New Me” adage, Seth murdered his older brother, two-time Kia MVP Steph Curry, and took his place without anyone noticing.

Continue reading “Seth Curry Starts ‘New Year, New Me’ Off Well by Killing, Replacing Brother Steph”

‘The Game is Missing Steph and Klay,’ James Harden Says, Knowing They’re Tied Up in His Basement

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Getty Images

Following a 116-104 loss to the rival Golden State Warriors, Houston Rockets star James Harden admitted that the game is missing the talent and personality of Steph Curry and Klay Thompson, neglecting to mention that he knows full well the two superstars are currently tied up in his basement.

Continue reading “‘The Game is Missing Steph and Klay,’ James Harden Says, Knowing They’re Tied Up in His Basement”