Category: Football

Following Unnecessary Display of Aggression, Myles Garrett Hired by Cleveland Police Department

by Alex Poletti
Photo by AP Photo/David Richard

With just seconds left in the fourth quarter of a convincing win against the Steelers, Myles Garrett decided to take out some aggression on Pittsburgh quarterback Mason Rudolph, hitting him with his own helmet before being tackled to the ground by two offensive linemen. Facing suspension, Garrett found a silver lining after being offered a job as an officer for the Cleveland Police Department.

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Chase McLaughlin Tries Hitting Himself After Losing Game for 49ers, Misses Wide

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Getty Image/Thearon W. Henderson

In the place of veteran Robbie Gould, Chase McLaughlin held his own as the kicker for the 49ers against a scrappy Seahawks team until overtime, when he shanked a kick and opened the door for Seattle to take the win and end San Francisco’s bid at a perfect season. Sources tell The Second String that McLaughlin took out his anger by trying to hit himself in the face after the game, but he missed wide.

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Carson Wentz and Prince Harry Reveal They’ve Been Parent Trapping the Eagles for the Past Year

by Alex Poletti

Facing immense criticism amidst a 5-4 season, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz announced that he and Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, have been acting as each other for over a year in an attempt to bring the Eagles and the United Kingdom back together.

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Golden State Warriors Unaware They Can’t Tank for Tua Tagovailoa

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Noah Graham

Over the course of human history, an axiom holds true: all dynasties fall. For the 2019 Golden State Warriors, this hits especially hard. Despite losing Steph Curry for the season, leaving only Draymond Green to lead a squad of G League-level players, Golden State remains surprisingly optimistic. An insider reports to The Second String that optimism remains high because the Warriors don’t know they can’t tank for a chance to draft Tua Tagovailoa.

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Ohio State’s Chase Young Suspended for Having Any Money as a Student-Athlete

by Alex Poletti
Photo By Jamie Sabau/Getty Images

One of the most dominant players in college football this season, Ohio State defensive end Chase Young, was suspended after the NCAA received news that he accepted a loan from a family friend last year, violating the league’s policy of student-athletes having any money whatsoever to support themselves while college programs make billions off their play.

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Tom Brady Enters Cryogenic Sleep Chamber Until Next Undefeated Season Attempt

by Alex Poletti

Realizing that their attempts to go 19-0 over the course of an NFL season may be limited in the future, the New England Patriots opted to preserve their aging quarterback Tom Brady in cryogenic sleep until their next shot.

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