Category: Football

Tua Tagovailoa Breaks Hip Accepting Zoom Call from Miami Dolphins

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Getty Images

Tua Tagovailoa’s NFL career is already off to a rocky start. After getting drafted by the Miami Dolphins with the fifth overall pick, the Alabama quarterback broke his hip trying to accept a zoom call invitation from his future team. Continue reading “Tua Tagovailoa Breaks Hip Accepting Zoom Call from Miami Dolphins”

Disappointed Joe Burrow Declines Vineyard Vines Job After Being Drafted First Overall

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Gerald Herbert

As the Cincinnati Bengals selected LSU quarterback Joe Burrow with the first overall selection in the 2020 draft, the usually-smiling Burrow was seen with a less content look on his face. Burrow tells The Second String that now that he has been officially drafted to the NFL, he must forgo his dream of working at the Vineyard Vines store nearest his hometown. Continue reading “Disappointed Joe Burrow Declines Vineyard Vines Job After Being Drafted First Overall”

Rob Gronkowski Says He’s Only Coming Out of Retirement for a Few More Concussions

by Alex Poletti
Photo by USA Today

The balance of the NFL was tilted in the favor of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Tuesday, as four-time All-Pro tight end Rob Gronkowski came out of retirement to play with his former quarterback, Tom Brady. Gronkowski tells reporters that he’s not planning on staying in the league forever, just until he gets a couple more concussions under his belt. Continue reading “Rob Gronkowski Says He’s Only Coming Out of Retirement for a Few More Concussions”

Fans Shocked as XFL, League with History of Closing Down, Closes Down

by Alex Poletti
Photo by XFL

In a move that left many in the sports world speechless, the XFL suspended operations and laid off a vast majority of its workers. This surprised many, despite the fact that the XFL already shut down once before in 2001 and has followed a history of Spring football leagues that have never been successful. Continue reading “Fans Shocked as XFL, League with History of Closing Down, Closes Down”

Melvin Gordon Excited for Opportunity with Broncos to Be Replaced by League-Average Running Back Again

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

A few weeks after signing a two-year deal with the division rival Denver Broncos, former Chargers running back Melvin Gordon spoke out on the contract. In a phone interview with The Second String, he expressed his excitement for facing the Chargers twice and the opportunity to be replaced by a league-average halfback for the second straight year.

Continue reading “Melvin Gordon Excited for Opportunity with Broncos to Be Replaced by League-Average Running Back Again”

Nick Foles Predicts Bears QB Battle Will Come Down to THIS Metric Sooner or Later

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Reinhold Matay

Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles has something to prove this year after losing his starting job in Jacksonville to rookie Gardner Minshew. Just a year after signing a four-year, $88 million contract with the Jaguars, the former Eagles backup has been traded to the Chicago Bears, where he intends to compete for the quarterback position with former second-overall pick Mitch Trubisky. When asked about the competition, Foles predicts that it will become a dick-measuring contest sooner rather than later. Continue reading “Nick Foles Predicts Bears QB Battle Will Come Down to THIS Metric Sooner or Later”

Houston Texans Acquire David Johnson For DeAndre Hopkins, Hopes and Dreams of Winning a Championship

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jake Roth-USA TODAY

The Houston Texans shocked the world on Tuesday with the biggest trade of the NFL offseason, acquiring running back David Johnson and a second-round pick in exchange for DeAndre Hopkins and any hope of their franchise ever winning the Super Bowl. Continue reading “Houston Texans Acquire David Johnson For DeAndre Hopkins, Hopes and Dreams of Winning a Championship”

BREAKING: Tom Brady Finds Nice Retirement Community in Tampa Bay

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Winslow Townson

Tom Brady is officially moving on from New England, sources tell The Second String, and will enjoy the next stage of his life in western Florida, where he has found a nice retirement community called the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Continue reading “BREAKING: Tom Brady Finds Nice Retirement Community in Tampa Bay”

Tom Brady Launches ‘199 Productions,’ Finally Has Use for All That Extra Sideline Footage

by Alex Poletti
Photo by David J. Phillip / AP Photo

With New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady headed into free agency, many expected the six-time Super Bowl champion to start his first foray into the open market with a big announcement. Brady delivered, announcing the launch of his new production company, 199 Productions, a platform through which the signal caller can dump all of the extra footage of other teams’ sidelines he has accumulated over the years with the Patriots. Continue reading “Tom Brady Launches ‘199 Productions,’ Finally Has Use for All That Extra Sideline Footage”

Joe Burrow Eschews Tom Brady Comparison, Prefers More Accurate Macaulay Culkin Comp

by Alex Poletti
Photo by CBS Sports

As the NFL combine wraps up and draft day nears, the hype for presumptive no. 1 overall pick Joe Burrow is only increasing. The latest installment of praise for the LSU quarterback comes in the form of another Tom Brady comparison. Showing his humility, Burrow rejected the praise, instead asking to be compared to former child star Macaulay Culkin, with whom he shares an incredible resemblance.

“You’re talking about how Brady and I have similar mechanics, but you aren’t even touching on the fact that Macaulay Culkin and I have an identical facial structure,” Burrow responds to NFL Network analyst Daniel Jeremiah’s comments. “It’s honestly disrespectful. Don’t compare me to the best player of all time. Compare me to that kid from ‘Uncle Buck.’”

Burrow enjoyed one of the greatest seasons in college football history in 2019 en route to winning the Heisman trophy in his senior redshirt season. He passed for a jaw-dropping 60 touchdowns against six interceptions, while completing 76.3% of his passes. It’s a Renaissance akin to that of Culkin, who from 1989 to 1994 enjoyed a stretch that saw him star in “Uncle Buck,” “Home Alone” and its sequel, “Richie Rich” and many more.

Many fans have been irked by the media’s assessment of Burrow has been way off mark, saying that no one should be compared to the GOAT coming out of college, regardless of their talent.

“In baseball, you don’t compare a prospect with Babe Ruth or Willie Mays,” salty New England fan Joe DiBlezzo says. “In basketball, you never compare a guy out of college to Jordan. When LeBron went first overall, we didn’t say he was the next MJ. We drew the much closer tie between James and child star Gary Coleman.”

The practice of comparing top prospects to child stars of film and television is nothing new, but never has there been a better match up than Culkin and Burrow, who look like twins separated at birth that were raised by weed-smoking California surfers and the entire alt-right community, respectively.

“I’m just saying, I’ll take credit where credit is due,” Burrow explains. “But saying I’m the next Brady is too much. Let me do my own thing. Don’t do that to me, please. Not to mention, the way Macaulay Culkin’s family mishandled his career is probably pretty similar to how the Bengals are going to ruin mine.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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