‘I Could Play More’ Says Giannis with Amputated Foot

by Alex Poletti
Photo by SportingNews

Shaking off any doubt during a post-game interview, soon-to-be MVP Giannis Antetokounmpo told reports that he “feels good,” and “could play more,” during a critical game four against the Miami Heat, despite the complete absence of his right foot following a mid-game amputation. Continue reading “‘I Could Play More’ Says Giannis with Amputated Foot”

Washington Football Team Attracting Fans Vaguely Interested in Sports

by Alex Poletti
Photo by CNN

Over a month after officially changing their name, the Washington Football Team has experienced some unexpected positive side effects of abandoning their racist nickname in favor of a more ambiguous title, as they have gained a number of new fans that are interested in a vaguer sports experience. Continue reading “Washington Football Team Attracting Fans Vaguely Interested in Sports”

San Francisco Giants Accidentally Score All of Season’s Offense in One Night

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Sportsnation

In the midst of a mercurial season for the quasi-rebuilding Giants, manager Gabe Kapler and the squad made an outrageous blunder in Tuesday night’s game against the Colorado Rockies, accidentally scoring all 23 runs that they had allotted for the remainder of the season in one night. Continue reading “San Francisco Giants Accidentally Score All of Season’s Offense in One Night”

Mike Clevinger on Trade: ‘I’m Ready to Help Padres Violate COVID-19 Protocol in Any Way I Can’

by Alex Poletti
Photo by BleacherNation

After getting shipped off to the surging San Diego Padres in a last-minute blockbuster deal at the 2020 trade deadline, starting pitcher Mike Clevinger vowed to help his team succeed in any way, most notably by violating the COVID-19 protocols for his new team. Continue reading “Mike Clevinger on Trade: ‘I’m Ready to Help Padres Violate COVID-19 Protocol in Any Way I Can’”

NFL Punishes DeSean Jackson for Antisemitic Hate Speech by Giving Him Partial Ownership of Washington Football Team

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

Amid a summer of protests in support of the Black Lives Matter movement that saw the NFL officially condemn systemic racism, the league was rocked with its own scandal when Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson shared an antisemitic quote falsely attributed to Adolf Hitler on Instagram. Roger Goodell was swift to act, however, levying a harsh punishment by awarding the wideout a share of the Washington football team. Continue reading “NFL Punishes DeSean Jackson for Antisemitic Hate Speech by Giving Him Partial Ownership of Washington Football Team”

No. 1 MLB Draft Pick Spencer Torkelson Becomes First Player in History to Be Taken Out of Zoom University

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Hilary Scheinuk/The Advocate via AP

When the Detroit Tigers selected third baseman Spencer Torkelson with the first overall pick in the 2020 MLB draft, they made history on two fronts; the highly-regarded hitter became the first infielder taken at the top spot in franchise history and the first ever player taken out of Zoom University. Continue reading “No. 1 MLB Draft Pick Spencer Torkelson Becomes First Player in History to Be Taken Out of Zoom University”

Study Shows Yogi Smarter than the Average Chicago Bear

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Joe Robbins/AP Photo

A groundbreaking study conducted by Northwestern University shows that Jellystone Park resident Yogi Bear’s catch phrase has a newfound universality, as the study found conclusive evidence that Yogi is smarter than the average Chicago Bear. Continue reading “Study Shows Yogi Smarter than the Average Chicago Bear”

MLB to Give Draft Picks Signed Copy of ‘Bull Durham’ in Lieu of Signing Bonus

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Orion Pictures

Looking to cut costs amid the coronavirus epidemic, Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association have agreed to give all draft picks in the upcoming shortened 2020 draft a signed copy of the 1988 hit romantic comedy sports film “Bull Durham” instead of a signing bonus. Continue reading “MLB to Give Draft Picks Signed Copy of ‘Bull Durham’ in Lieu of Signing Bonus”

MLB Hypothesizes It Could Adhere to Social Distancing Guidelines by Holding All Games at Marlins Park with Standard Attendance

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Steve Mitchell / USA Today Sports

Looking for a way to start the season as soon as possible, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred disclosed that the league has considered holding all games at Marlins Park in Miami with no restrictions on fan attendance, as the number of fans generally going to Marlins games would adhere to all social distancing guidelines. Continue reading “MLB Hypothesizes It Could Adhere to Social Distancing Guidelines by Holding All Games at Marlins Park with Standard Attendance”

LeBron James to Honor Class of 2020 by Dunking on Several Seniors

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Hans Gutknecht/Digital First Media/Los Angeles Daily News via Getty

NBA star and philanthropist LeBron James has done it again this week, vowing to honor the class of 2020 by hosting a graduation event which will feature the all-time great dunking on a few lucky graduating seniors. Continue reading “LeBron James to Honor Class of 2020 by Dunking on Several Seniors”