Tag: Football

Broncos Consider Replacing John Elway with Literally Anyone Who Can Watch a Football Game

by Alex Poletti

In the midst of a 2-5 season, the Broncos are considering personnel changes at the top of the food chain, including Hall of Fame quarterback and certainly not Hall of Fame general manager John Elway. A leaked document to The Second String shows that their list of potential replacements includes anyone who can watch a football game.

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Jalen Ramsey Finds Home Among Other Assholes in Los Angeles

by Alex Poletti

Cornerback Jalen Ramsey now calls the beautiful beaches of Southern California home after being dealt from the Jacksonville Jaguars to the Los Angeles Rams for two first-round picks and a fourth. This is the perfect ending for Ramsey, who now finds himself in good company among the biggest divas and douchebags America has to offer.

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Long History of Nepotism, Inefficiency Scores Jay Gruden Job in US Government

by Alex Poletti

Just days after being fired from his position as head coach of the Washington Redskins, Jay Gruden has scored a new gig as a member of the United States government. Experts say that he got the job due to his history of nepotism and general mediocrity and inefficiency.

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According to ESPN Analysts and Professional Fantasy Football Users, Christian McCaffrey Still Too White to be Good

by Luke DePalatis

When Carolina Panthers back Christian McCaffrey was drafted eighth overall in the 2017 draft, most of the NFL world laughed at the possibility of a 5’11, 200 pound white boy being considered a top-tier prospect. USA Today even wrote, “He’ll make an impact on all four downs. But is he worth a No. 8 pick? I’m not so sure.”

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Steelers Fan Tragically Reaches Antonio Brown Stage of Cancer Diagnosis

by Alex Poletti

Lifelong Steelers fan Preston McGaghie received some heartbreaking news this week when his doctor confirmed that his Kidney Cancer had reached the dreaded Antonio Brown stage. Given the trajectory of the player after whom this stage is named, it isn’t likely that McGaghie will “be in the league” much longer.

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Opinion: Gardner Minshew the Next Tom Brady in Terms of Likelihood to Support Donald Trump

by Alex Poletti

After an impressive four games, Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Gardner Minshew has become one of the most exciting players to watch in the league this year. A classic underdog story, the Washington State alum was taken in the sixth round, and was only given a chance to start due to Nick Foles’ injury in week one. Such a start has conjured comparisons with one of the game’s all-time greats: Tom Brady.

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Man Coming to Heinz Field for Free Mustard Disappointed to Find Pittsburgh Steelers Instead

by Alex Poletti

A spiritual and physical journey reached an abrupt end for Hershey, Pennsylvania, native Jack McCreary on Monday, as he entered the threshold of Heinz Field hoping for an open expanse of mustard, only to find a shitty Pittsburgh Steelers team defeat the Cincinnati Bengals for their first win of the season.

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