Tag: Football

Experts Quickly Retract Michael Vick Comparisons After Lamar Jackson Adopts Two Pit Bulls

by Alex Poletti

Realizing that their prediction may have been too accurate, many analysts are retracting their Michael Vick comparisons vis-à-vis Baltimore Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson after the MVP contender adopted two pit bulls and bought a large property in Surry County, Virginia.

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Delvin Hodges Draws Short Straw, Will Start on Sunday

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Bobby Ellis/Getty Images

It’s been an unfortunate week for Pittsburgh Steelers rookie Delvin Hodges, who drew the short straw and now has to start Sunday’s game against the Cleveland Browns. Sources tell The Second String that back-ups Mason Rudolph and Paxton Lynch shared a moment of pure elation following the draw.

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Disappearance of Patriots Kickers Coincides with the Opening of Glue Factory Next Door

by Alex Poletti
Photo by AP Photo/Bill Kostroun

Some discerning New England Patriots fans have become wary following the team signing their fourth kicker of the season coincidentally coinciding with the opening of a new glue factory right next door.

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In Honor of First Thanksgiving, Bears Massacre Every Member of Lions Team

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Dave Reginek/Getty Images

To pay homage to the first Thanksgiving, the Chicago Bears decided to recreate the famed historical event by ruthlessly murdering every member of the Detroit Lions squad.

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Washington Redskins Owner Announces He Will Consider Name Changes to Other Racial Slurs

by Alex Poletti
Photo by AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta

In a big win for liberal football fans, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder admitted he would be willing to change the name of his franchise to a variety of other racial slurs.

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Roger Goodell Suspends You, The Viewer, For Role in Garrett-Rudolph Fight

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Erik Drost on Flickr

After a week of review, the National Football League came to its final determination for suspensions in regard to the fight between Mason Rudolph and Myles Garrett during last week’s Thursday Night Football game. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the indefinite suspension for Garrett would be upheld, Pittsburgh offensive lineman Maurkice Pouncey’s suspension was lightened from three games to two, and you, the viewer at home, will also receive a one-game suspension for your involvement.

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‘I’m Used to Winning’ Says Kyler Murray, Who Obviously Doesn’t Understand Logistics of Getting Drafted First Overall

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

After a heartbreaking loss to the San Francisco 49ers that saw the club blow a 16-point lead, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray said that he was “used to winning,” showing that he was completely unaware of the fact that getting drafted first overall necessitates playing for the worst team in the NFL.

Continue reading “‘I’m Used to Winning’ Says Kyler Murray, Who Obviously Doesn’t Understand Logistics of Getting Drafted First Overall”