Tag: Houston Astros

Houston Astros Experiencing Difficulties Cheating After Trash Can Confiscation

by Dale DePalatis
Photo by Associated Press

According to exclusive reports, the metal trash cans with which all MLB dugouts are equipped have been removed from the visiting Astros dugout this year right before the Houston players arrive, causing difficulty for the ‘Stros in their cheating endeavors. Continue reading “Houston Astros Experiencing Difficulties Cheating After Trash Can Confiscation”

Astros Unveil New Bubble Wrap Away Game Uniforms for 2020

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Frank Franklin II/Associated Press

The Astros are gearing up for the retribution facing them in 2020 in style. A few weeks into spring training, the team unveiled their new bubble-wrap uniforms that they’ll be wearing for all 81 away games this upcoming season. Continue reading “Astros Unveil New Bubble Wrap Away Game Uniforms for 2020”

Luis Severino Out for Year Tommy John Surgery, Still Projected as No. 2 Starter for Yankees

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

The New York Yankees are faced with a serious setback in their quest for a 28th World Series championship, as starting pitcher Luis Severino will undergo Tommy John surgery, which will sideline the fireballer for the entirety of the 2020 season. Despite being unable to pitch at all, the Yankees still project that Severino will be the team’s second best starter after free-agent signing Gerrit Cole. Continue reading “Luis Severino Out for Year Tommy John Surgery, Still Projected as No. 2 Starter for Yankees”

Mariners Terrified That Ichiro Their Best Pitcher Heading Into Spring Training

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Rich Schultz

The Seattle Mariners have a predicament before their Spring Training games begin: who will be their ace this upcoming season? Their lefty one-two punch of Marco Gonzalez and Yusei Kikuchi hardly strikes terror the hearts of opposing lineups, and top prospect Justus Sheffield isn’t quite ready to handle the load. Instead, the horrified party is manager Scott Servais, who realized a week after pitchers and catchers reported to Arizona that his best pitching option was retired outfielder Ichiro Suzuki. Continue reading “Mariners Terrified That Ichiro Their Best Pitcher Heading Into Spring Training”

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred Says World Series Trophy Only Valuable in Metal-Starved Apocalypse

by Alex Poletti
Photo by LM Otero/Associated Press

Coming under fire recently for calling the World Series “just a piece of metal” with regard to the Astros cheating scandal, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred doubled down on Wednesday, saying that the only way the trophy would ever have value is in the event of an apocalypse that leaves the world without a sufficient supply of metal materials, thus creating an economy around the resource. Continue reading “MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred Says World Series Trophy Only Valuable in Metal-Starved Apocalypse”

Dusty Baker on Astros Hiring: ‘I’m Excited to Bring Cocaine Back to Houston’

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Alex Brandon/Associated Press

Two weeks after the firing of former manager A.J. Hinch, the Houston Astros have found their new coach in Dusty Baker, who most recently coached the Washington Nationals back in 2017. Baker told The Second String on Thursday that he is ready for the challenge of leading this team, but he’s most excited to bring cocaine back to Houston.

Continue reading “Dusty Baker on Astros Hiring: ‘I’m Excited to Bring Cocaine Back to Houston’”

Red Sox Hire Camera in Center Field as Next Manager

by Alex Poletti
Photo by John Bazemore, Associated Press

Following their dismissal of manager Alex Cora due to his connection with the Astros cheating scandal, the Boston Red Sox have cut out the middleman altogether and decided to hire a camera in center field as their next manager. Continue reading “Red Sox Hire Camera in Center Field as Next Manager”