Tag: Los Angeles Lakers

Nuggets Excited to Be Down 3-1 Again So They Can Finally Start Playing Their Best Basketball

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Mark J. Terrill/Associated Press

Despite facing elimination after a massacre at the hands of LeBron James and Anthony Davis, the mood in the Denver Nuggets clubhouse is hardly somber. Instead, the scrappy team is teeming with excitement, as they are now able to play good basketball trailing three games to one. Continue reading “Nuggets Excited to Be Down 3-1 Again So They Can Finally Start Playing Their Best Basketball”

LeBron James to Honor Class of 2020 by Dunking on Several Seniors

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Hans Gutknecht/Digital First Media/Los Angeles Daily News via Getty

NBA star and philanthropist LeBron James has done it again this week, vowing to honor the class of 2020 by hosting a graduation event which will feature the all-time great dunking on a few lucky graduating seniors. Continue reading “LeBron James to Honor Class of 2020 by Dunking on Several Seniors”

In Desperate Attempt at Publicity, Washington Wizards Sign Harry Potter to One-Year Contract

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Ranking as the least important Washington sports team after the recent success of the Nationals and Capitals, and with sports declining in influence as a whole during the pandemic, the Washington Wizards announced on Tuesday that they have come to terms with fictional wizard Harry Potter on a one-year contract, hoping it will increase publicity for the squad.

Continue reading “In Desperate Attempt at Publicity, Washington Wizards Sign Harry Potter to One-Year Contract”

Kevin Garnett Celebrates Hall of Fame Selection by Shooting Adam Sandler

by Alex Poletti
Photo by A24

A surprise to no one, Kevin Garnett was elected to the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame on Saturday in a class that included fellow legends like Tim Duncan and Kobe Bryant. To celebrate the tremendous achievement, the power forward expressed his joy by shooting his “Uncut Gems” co-star Adam Sandler in the face with a handgun. Continue reading “Kevin Garnett Celebrates Hall of Fame Selection by Shooting Adam Sandler”

Utah Jazz Layoff Employees to Reflect Music World at Large

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Sam Forencich

The economic downturn of 2020 has found its way to the NBA, with the Utah Jazz laying off some non-basketball personnel. While the decision was in part for economic necessity, Jazz president Jim Olson says this is inspired by the current state of the jazz musicians in the world at large.

Continue reading “Utah Jazz Layoff Employees to Reflect Music World at Large”

NBA Players Contemplate Singing ‘Imagine’ as Influence Wanes

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Katelyn Mulcahy / Getty Images

While the NBA has done its best to limit the spread of coronavirus by halting play until further notice, with some players going above and beyond by covering the salary of arena employees, basketball stars are still struggling with the loss of influence they’ve had since commissioner Adam Silver postponed the season. With this in mind, a coalition of players has started to contemplate singing John Lennon’s “Imagine” as a way to stay in the public consciousness.

Continue reading “NBA Players Contemplate Singing ‘Imagine’ as Influence Wanes”

LeBron James Closing Gap in MVP Race Now That No Teams Are Playing

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Katelyn Mulcahy / Getty Images

With NBA games postponed until further notice, attention turns to the MVP race, where Lakers forward LeBron James is climbing up the MVP ladder. According to some voters, the distance between season-long front runner Giannis Antetokounmpo and James is less than ever before, especially now that neither star is playing. Continue reading “LeBron James Closing Gap in MVP Race Now That No Teams Are Playing”

Utah Jazz Starting to Wonder If Cutting Gatorade with Rudy Gobert’s Mucus Not the Best Idea

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jennifer Stewart-USA TODAY Sports

After Utah Jazz center Rudy Gobert tested positive for COVID-19, effectively shutting down the 2020 NBA season, management and players alike have started to wonder if they could have done more to prevent the spread of the virus. The Utah Jazz is no exception, as they have now begun to question if cutting the team’s supply of gatorade with Rudy Gobert’s mucus wasn’t the best idea after all. Continue reading “Utah Jazz Starting to Wonder If Cutting Gatorade with Rudy Gobert’s Mucus Not the Best Idea”

With NBA Season Suspended, Adam Silver Relieved He Can Take That Mid-March Vacation He Planned

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jae C. Hong / AP Photo

The NBA announced on Wednesday that they will suspend the season in light of Utah Jazz center Rudy Golbert testing positive for the COVID-19 virus. While this was met with frustration and disappointment from fans and players alike, league commissioner Adam Silver tells The Second String that he’s actually kind of relieved, as he can now go on the Mid-March vacation he planned last year. Continue reading “With NBA Season Suspended, Adam Silver Relieved He Can Take That Mid-March Vacation He Planned”

LeBron James Challenges Coronavirus to One-on-One Pick-up Game

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Marcio Jose Sanchez / AP Photo

With the United States in panic mode over the COVID-19 virus, NBA superstar LeBron James remains a hero in our midst. After publicly saying that he would not play in an empty arena out of concern for the spread of the virus, he took things to the next level by challenging the coronavirus to a one-on-one pick-up game.

“This virus thinks it’s so tough, huh?” the three-time NBA champ says. “It thinks it can take me out? Then let’s see what it can really do. Just me and the virus on the court. Loser leaves town. That’s a challenge.”

The coronavirus has spread to the United States in rapid fashion over the past few weeks, resulting in several states, including California, declaring a state of emergency. Due to the poor response from the national government in containing the disease, the seasons of sports leagues like the NBA are now in jeopardy.

“They say the US can’t handle the virus?” James questions. “Well I’ll show the virus my handles and we’ll see who comes out on top.”

Though the challenge was thought to just be James blowing smoke, he has gotten a surprise response from the virus itself. Showing bravado off the charts, the virus accepted the challenge of the greatest active player.

“I’m down if you are,” COVID-19 says. “You, me, Staples Center. If I lose, I’ll get out of LA. But bring the fans. Bring as many fans as you possibly can. And make them all sit in really close proximity.”

In preparation for the pick-up game, the Lakers hired some of the leading virologists, including Joseph Fair, to help the four-time MVP face a type of opponent he’s never encountered before.

“We’re definitely going to have to shift the strategy a bit,” Fair, who worked as an epidemiologist in Africa during the Ebola outbreak, explains to the Lakers forward. “If you continue to play the contact-heavy basketball that you’re used to, it could go very poorly for you.”

James’s actions have sparked a sense of confidence in Americans that didn’t exist before, with many tweeting their support for the basketball star in his matchup against the virus. This has inspired the United States government to reconsider how they are attacking the virus.

“We think this could be our most important tool for eradicating the coronavirus,” Vice President Mike Pence, who is fronting the coronavirus response at the national level, says. “That’s why we recommend each city select a star player to fight the virus one-on-one. With that, and a lot of prayer, we may be able to take this thing down.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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