Tag: Louisiana State University

With Tua Off the Board, Chargers Select Flaming Pile of Trash at Sixth Overall

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

Hoping their future franchise quarterback would fall past the Miami Dolphins, the Los Angeles Chargers watched their dreams of Tua Tagovailoa playing in a mid-size soccer stadium on Thursday night. Instead of drafting a legitimate quarterback or trying to build the rest of their team with the next pick, the Chargers opted to select a literal flaming pile of trash at sixth overall. Continue reading “With Tua Off the Board, Chargers Select Flaming Pile of Trash at Sixth Overall”

Tua Tagovailoa Breaks Hip Accepting Zoom Call from Miami Dolphins

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Getty Images

Tua Tagovailoa’s NFL career is already off to a rocky start. After getting drafted by the Miami Dolphins with the fifth overall pick, the Alabama quarterback broke his hip trying to accept a zoom call invitation from his future team. Continue reading “Tua Tagovailoa Breaks Hip Accepting Zoom Call from Miami Dolphins”

Disappointed Joe Burrow Declines Vineyard Vines Job After Being Drafted First Overall

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Gerald Herbert

As the Cincinnati Bengals selected LSU quarterback Joe Burrow with the first overall selection in the 2020 draft, the usually-smiling Burrow was seen with a less content look on his face. Burrow tells The Second String that now that he has been officially drafted to the NFL, he must forgo his dream of working at the Vineyard Vines store nearest his hometown. Continue reading “Disappointed Joe Burrow Declines Vineyard Vines Job After Being Drafted First Overall”

Joe Burrow Eschews Tom Brady Comparison, Prefers More Accurate Macaulay Culkin Comp

by Alex Poletti
Photo by CBS Sports

As the NFL combine wraps up and draft day nears, the hype for presumptive no. 1 overall pick Joe Burrow is only increasing. The latest installment of praise for the LSU quarterback comes in the form of another Tom Brady comparison. Showing his humility, Burrow rejected the praise, instead asking to be compared to former child star Macaulay Culkin, with whom he shares an incredible resemblance.

“You’re talking about how Brady and I have similar mechanics, but you aren’t even touching on the fact that Macaulay Culkin and I have an identical facial structure,” Burrow responds to NFL Network analyst Daniel Jeremiah’s comments. “It’s honestly disrespectful. Don’t compare me to the best player of all time. Compare me to that kid from ‘Uncle Buck.’”

Burrow enjoyed one of the greatest seasons in college football history in 2019 en route to winning the Heisman trophy in his senior redshirt season. He passed for a jaw-dropping 60 touchdowns against six interceptions, while completing 76.3% of his passes. It’s a Renaissance akin to that of Culkin, who from 1989 to 1994 enjoyed a stretch that saw him star in “Uncle Buck,” “Home Alone” and its sequel, “Richie Rich” and many more.

Many fans have been irked by the media’s assessment of Burrow has been way off mark, saying that no one should be compared to the GOAT coming out of college, regardless of their talent.

“In baseball, you don’t compare a prospect with Babe Ruth or Willie Mays,” salty New England fan Joe DiBlezzo says. “In basketball, you never compare a guy out of college to Jordan. When LeBron went first overall, we didn’t say he was the next MJ. We drew the much closer tie between James and child star Gary Coleman.”

The practice of comparing top prospects to child stars of film and television is nothing new, but never has there been a better match up than Culkin and Burrow, who look like twins separated at birth that were raised by weed-smoking California surfers and the entire alt-right community, respectively.

“I’m just saying, I’ll take credit where credit is due,” Burrow explains. “But saying I’m the next Brady is too much. Let me do my own thing. Don’t do that to me, please. Not to mention, the way Macaulay Culkin’s family mishandled his career is probably pretty similar to how the Bengals are going to ruin mine.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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Joe Burrow on National Title: ‘Thank God I Won This, Because I’m Never Winning a Game in Cincinnati’

by Alex Poletti
Photo by USA Today

Ending a historic college season with a national championship, LSU quarterback Joe Burrow was filled with nothing but gratitude. This gratitude wasn’t for coach Ed Oregon or the amazing season he shared with his teammates, but because he was able to win one last game before getting drafted by the worst team in football, the Cincinnati Bengals.

Continue reading “Joe Burrow on National Title: ‘Thank God I Won This, Because I’m Never Winning a Game in Cincinnati’”

Following Defensive Implosion Against Joe Burrow, LSU in Peach Bowl, Lincoln Riley Top of Jaguars’ Head Coach Wish List

by Alex Poletti
Photo by USA Today

It looks like the Jacksonville Jaguars have found exactly what they’re looking for in their new head coach. Just hours after reports surfaced that they will dismiss head coach Doug Marrone at the season’s end, Jaguars owner Shahid Khan turned on the Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl to find the Oklahoma Sooners being completely demolished by the LSU offense. This was all he needed to see that Oklahoma head coach Lincoln Riley was the perfect choice to fill Marrone’s shoes.

Continue reading “Following Defensive Implosion Against Joe Burrow, LSU in Peach Bowl, Lincoln Riley Top of Jaguars’ Head Coach Wish List”

Joe Burrow Scrambles to Register for Sixth Year of College After Realizing He Has to Play for Bengals

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Kevin C. Cox / Getty Images

A week after top draft prospect Chase Young told reporters he is considering going back to The Ohio State University instead of entering the 2020 NFL draft, Heisman winner Joe Burrow announced he will try to attend LSU next year, despite graduating from Ohio State in 2018. The top quarterback in the class tells The Second String that his decision was inspired by the fact that he would have to play for the Bengals if he went pro.

Continue reading “Joe Burrow Scrambles to Register for Sixth Year of College After Realizing He Has to Play for Bengals”