Tag: NBA

Golden State Warriors Unaware They Can’t Tank for Tua Tagovailoa

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Noah Graham

Over the course of human history, an axiom holds true: all dynasties fall. For the 2019 Golden State Warriors, this hits especially hard. Despite losing Steph Curry for the season, leaving only Draymond Green to lead a squad of G League-level players, Golden State remains surprisingly optimistic. An insider reports to The Second String that optimism remains high because the Warriors don’t know they can’t tank for a chance to draft Tua Tagovailoa.

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Tom Brady Enters Cryogenic Sleep Chamber Until Next Undefeated Season Attempt

by Alex Poletti

Realizing that their attempts to go 19-0 over the course of an NFL season may be limited in the future, the New England Patriots opted to preserve their aging quarterback Tom Brady in cryogenic sleep until their next shot.

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Ben Simmons’ Terrible Mediation Skills Earn Him Job as Secretary of State

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Bill Streicher/USA TODAY Sports

Philadelphia 76ers guard Ben Simmons has been offered a job as Secretary of State for the United States after opting to put Karl-Anthony Towns in a headlock as means of breaking up a fight between the Minnesota Timberwolves center and teammate Joel Embiid. According to sources in Washington, Simmons’ immediacy to resort to physical force made him a perfect fit for the State Department.

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Selfish Prick Jimmy Butler Chooses Dumb Kid Being Born Over Team

by Alex Poletti
Photo by ESPN

Miami Heat star Jimmy Butler showed just how much of an asshole he is after opting to take two days off to witness the birth of his dumb daughter instead of playing in the Heat’s first game of the season against the Memphis Grizzlies.

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Internet Divided After Charles Barkley Calls Klay Thompson a Little Fat Girl

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Kelley L Cox, USA TODAY Sports

After telling Warriors shooting guard Klay Thompson that his team’s window to make the playoffs had closed, Hall of Famer-turned-broadcaster Charles Barkley delivered the final blow to the three-time NBA champion, calling him a little fat girl live on the TNT broadcast.

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