Tag: NCAA

Duke Basketball Players Afraid They’ll Have to Go to Class After March Madness Canceled

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Robert Willett

Panic and terror have run rampant across the nation in light of the exponential spread of the COVID-19 virus, which has tanked the stock market, cleared the shelves of supermarkets and canceled the 2020 March Madness tournament. Perhaps no group of people is in more fear than the Duke basketball team, who may have to attend college classes for the first time because the college playoff tournament was called off. Continue reading “Duke Basketball Players Afraid They’ll Have to Go to Class After March Madness Canceled”

Joe Burrow Eschews Tom Brady Comparison, Prefers More Accurate Macaulay Culkin Comp

by Alex Poletti
Photo by CBS Sports

As the NFL combine wraps up and draft day nears, the hype for presumptive no. 1 overall pick Joe Burrow is only increasing. The latest installment of praise for the LSU quarterback comes in the form of another Tom Brady comparison. Showing his humility, Burrow rejected the praise, instead asking to be compared to former child star Macaulay Culkin, with whom he shares an incredible resemblance.

“You’re talking about how Brady and I have similar mechanics, but you aren’t even touching on the fact that Macaulay Culkin and I have an identical facial structure,” Burrow responds to NFL Network analyst Daniel Jeremiah’s comments. “It’s honestly disrespectful. Don’t compare me to the best player of all time. Compare me to that kid from ‘Uncle Buck.’”

Burrow enjoyed one of the greatest seasons in college football history in 2019 en route to winning the Heisman trophy in his senior redshirt season. He passed for a jaw-dropping 60 touchdowns against six interceptions, while completing 76.3% of his passes. It’s a Renaissance akin to that of Culkin, who from 1989 to 1994 enjoyed a stretch that saw him star in “Uncle Buck,” “Home Alone” and its sequel, “Richie Rich” and many more.

Many fans have been irked by the media’s assessment of Burrow has been way off mark, saying that no one should be compared to the GOAT coming out of college, regardless of their talent.

“In baseball, you don’t compare a prospect with Babe Ruth or Willie Mays,” salty New England fan Joe DiBlezzo says. “In basketball, you never compare a guy out of college to Jordan. When LeBron went first overall, we didn’t say he was the next MJ. We drew the much closer tie between James and child star Gary Coleman.”

The practice of comparing top prospects to child stars of film and television is nothing new, but never has there been a better match up than Culkin and Burrow, who look like twins separated at birth that were raised by weed-smoking California surfers and the entire alt-right community, respectively.

“I’m just saying, I’ll take credit where credit is due,” Burrow explains. “But saying I’m the next Brady is too much. Let me do my own thing. Don’t do that to me, please. Not to mention, the way Macaulay Culkin’s family mishandled his career is probably pretty similar to how the Bengals are going to ruin mine.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

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Gonzaga Basketball Looking into Possibility that Magic Underpants Gave BYU Unfair Advantage in Upset Victory

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jeffrey Swinger-USA TODAY Sports

The March Madness upset machine came early for No. 2 Gonzaga, who let their guard down and lost to the No. 23 BYU Cougars; however, the Bulldogs are looking into a possible conspiracy, claiming that the Mormon underwear worn by many of the BYU players gave them an unfair advantage. Continue reading “Gonzaga Basketball Looking into Possibility that Magic Underpants Gave BYU Unfair Advantage in Upset Victory”

Joe Burrow on National Title: ‘Thank God I Won This, Because I’m Never Winning a Game in Cincinnati’

by Alex Poletti
Photo by USA Today

Ending a historic college season with a national championship, LSU quarterback Joe Burrow was filled with nothing but gratitude. This gratitude wasn’t for coach Ed Oregon or the amazing season he shared with his teammates, but because he was able to win one last game before getting drafted by the worst team in football, the Cincinnati Bengals.

Continue reading “Joe Burrow on National Title: ‘Thank God I Won This, Because I’m Never Winning a Game in Cincinnati’”

Tua Tagovailoa Declares for Draft, to Become First Quarterback to Run Wheelchair-Assisted Combine

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

After a season of adversity, star junior quarterback Tua Tagovailoa took the leap of faith and declared for the NFL draft. However, his hip injury against Mississippi State in November is still nagging him, which means he will become the first quarterback to participate in the combine while in a wheelchair.

Continue reading “Tua Tagovailoa Declares for Draft, to Become First Quarterback to Run Wheelchair-Assisted Combine”

Following Defensive Implosion Against Joe Burrow, LSU in Peach Bowl, Lincoln Riley Top of Jaguars’ Head Coach Wish List

by Alex Poletti
Photo by USA Today

It looks like the Jacksonville Jaguars have found exactly what they’re looking for in their new head coach. Just hours after reports surfaced that they will dismiss head coach Doug Marrone at the season’s end, Jaguars owner Shahid Khan turned on the Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl to find the Oklahoma Sooners being completely demolished by the LSU offense. This was all he needed to see that Oklahoma head coach Lincoln Riley was the perfect choice to fill Marrone’s shoes.

Continue reading “Following Defensive Implosion Against Joe Burrow, LSU in Peach Bowl, Lincoln Riley Top of Jaguars’ Head Coach Wish List”

Joe Burrow Scrambles to Register for Sixth Year of College After Realizing He Has to Play for Bengals

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Kevin C. Cox / Getty Images

A week after top draft prospect Chase Young told reporters he is considering going back to The Ohio State University instead of entering the 2020 NFL draft, Heisman winner Joe Burrow announced he will try to attend LSU next year, despite graduating from Ohio State in 2018. The top quarterback in the class tells The Second String that his decision was inspired by the fact that he would have to play for the Bengals if he went pro.

Continue reading “Joe Burrow Scrambles to Register for Sixth Year of College After Realizing He Has to Play for Bengals”