by Alex Poletti
Photo by CBS Sports
As the NFL combine wraps up and draft day nears, the hype for presumptive no. 1 overall pick Joe Burrow is only increasing. The latest installment of praise for the LSU quarterback comes in the form of another Tom Brady comparison. Showing his humility, Burrow rejected the praise, instead asking to be compared to former child star Macaulay Culkin, with whom he shares an incredible resemblance.
“You’re talking about how Brady and I have similar mechanics, but you aren’t even touching on the fact that Macaulay Culkin and I have an identical facial structure,” Burrow responds to NFL Network analyst Daniel Jeremiah’s comments. “It’s honestly disrespectful. Don’t compare me to the best player of all time. Compare me to that kid from ‘Uncle Buck.’”
Burrow enjoyed one of the greatest seasons in college football history in 2019 en route to winning the Heisman trophy in his senior redshirt season. He passed for a jaw-dropping 60 touchdowns against six interceptions, while completing 76.3% of his passes. It’s a Renaissance akin to that of Culkin, who from 1989 to 1994 enjoyed a stretch that saw him star in “Uncle Buck,” “Home Alone” and its sequel, “Richie Rich” and many more.
Many fans have been irked by the media’s assessment of Burrow has been way off mark, saying that no one should be compared to the GOAT coming out of college, regardless of their talent.
“In baseball, you don’t compare a prospect with Babe Ruth or Willie Mays,” salty New England fan Joe DiBlezzo says. “In basketball, you never compare a guy out of college to Jordan. When LeBron went first overall, we didn’t say he was the next MJ. We drew the much closer tie between James and child star Gary Coleman.”
The practice of comparing top prospects to child stars of film and television is nothing new, but never has there been a better match up than Culkin and Burrow, who look like twins separated at birth that were raised by weed-smoking California surfers and the entire alt-right community, respectively.
“I’m just saying, I’ll take credit where credit is due,” Burrow explains. “But saying I’m the next Brady is too much. Let me do my own thing. Don’t do that to me, please. Not to mention, the way Macaulay Culkin’s family mishandled his career is probably pretty similar to how the Bengals are going to ruin mine.”
*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.