Tag: New England Patriots

Rob Gronkowski Says He’s Only Coming Out of Retirement for a Few More Concussions

by Alex Poletti
Photo by USA Today

The balance of the NFL was tilted in the favor of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Tuesday, as four-time All-Pro tight end Rob Gronkowski came out of retirement to play with his former quarterback, Tom Brady. Gronkowski tells reporters that he’s not planning on staying in the league forever, just until he gets a couple more concussions under his belt. Continue reading “Rob Gronkowski Says He’s Only Coming Out of Retirement for a Few More Concussions”

Houston Texans Acquire David Johnson For DeAndre Hopkins, Hopes and Dreams of Winning a Championship

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jake Roth-USA TODAY

The Houston Texans shocked the world on Tuesday with the biggest trade of the NFL offseason, acquiring running back David Johnson and a second-round pick in exchange for DeAndre Hopkins and any hope of their franchise ever winning the Super Bowl. Continue reading “Houston Texans Acquire David Johnson For DeAndre Hopkins, Hopes and Dreams of Winning a Championship”

BREAKING: Tom Brady Finds Nice Retirement Community in Tampa Bay

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Winslow Townson

Tom Brady is officially moving on from New England, sources tell The Second String, and will enjoy the next stage of his life in western Florida, where he has found a nice retirement community called the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Continue reading “BREAKING: Tom Brady Finds Nice Retirement Community in Tampa Bay”

Tom Brady Launches ‘199 Productions,’ Finally Has Use for All That Extra Sideline Footage

by Alex Poletti
Photo by David J. Phillip / AP Photo

With New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady headed into free agency, many expected the six-time Super Bowl champion to start his first foray into the open market with a big announcement. Brady delivered, announcing the launch of his new production company, 199 Productions, a platform through which the signal caller can dump all of the extra footage of other teams’ sidelines he has accumulated over the years with the Patriots. Continue reading “Tom Brady Launches ‘199 Productions,’ Finally Has Use for All That Extra Sideline Footage”

Joe Burrow Eschews Tom Brady Comparison, Prefers More Accurate Macaulay Culkin Comp

by Alex Poletti
Photo by CBS Sports

As the NFL combine wraps up and draft day nears, the hype for presumptive no. 1 overall pick Joe Burrow is only increasing. The latest installment of praise for the LSU quarterback comes in the form of another Tom Brady comparison. Showing his humility, Burrow rejected the praise, instead asking to be compared to former child star Macaulay Culkin, with whom he shares an incredible resemblance.

“You’re talking about how Brady and I have similar mechanics, but you aren’t even touching on the fact that Macaulay Culkin and I have an identical facial structure,” Burrow responds to NFL Network analyst Daniel Jeremiah’s comments. “It’s honestly disrespectful. Don’t compare me to the best player of all time. Compare me to that kid from ‘Uncle Buck.’”

Burrow enjoyed one of the greatest seasons in college football history in 2019 en route to winning the Heisman trophy in his senior redshirt season. He passed for a jaw-dropping 60 touchdowns against six interceptions, while completing 76.3% of his passes. It’s a Renaissance akin to that of Culkin, who from 1989 to 1994 enjoyed a stretch that saw him star in “Uncle Buck,” “Home Alone” and its sequel, “Richie Rich” and many more.

Many fans have been irked by the media’s assessment of Burrow has been way off mark, saying that no one should be compared to the GOAT coming out of college, regardless of their talent.

“In baseball, you don’t compare a prospect with Babe Ruth or Willie Mays,” salty New England fan Joe DiBlezzo says. “In basketball, you never compare a guy out of college to Jordan. When LeBron went first overall, we didn’t say he was the next MJ. We drew the much closer tie between James and child star Gary Coleman.”

The practice of comparing top prospects to child stars of film and television is nothing new, but never has there been a better match up than Culkin and Burrow, who look like twins separated at birth that were raised by weed-smoking California surfers and the entire alt-right community, respectively.

“I’m just saying, I’ll take credit where credit is due,” Burrow explains. “But saying I’m the next Brady is too much. Let me do my own thing. Don’t do that to me, please. Not to mention, the way Macaulay Culkin’s family mishandled his career is probably pretty similar to how the Bengals are going to ruin mine.”

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.

Joe Burrow Men’s/Youth
Football College Stitched
Jersey Purple/White


Bears Eyeing Tom Brady, Hoping He Teaches Mitch Trubisky How to Cheat

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images

In an attempt to bolster their roster for a 2020 playoff push, the Chicago Bears are looking to add an experienced quarterback to the team in free agency. Though solid options like Philip Rivers, Ryan Tannehill and Dak Prescott are available, a source close to the Bears tells The Second String that the team is targeting Tom Brady, not for his talent, but so he can teach Mitch Trubisky how to cheat. Continue reading “Bears Eyeing Tom Brady, Hoping He Teaches Mitch Trubisky How to Cheat”

Tom Brady Says He’s ‘Seriously Considering’ Offer from Head and Shoulders Shampoo

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Winslow Townson

The biggest question of the football off-season keeps getting more and more complicated. Six-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady told The Second String on Sunday that he is “seriously considering” signing with Head and Shoulders shampoo, following an impressive pitch they made last week. Continue reading “Tom Brady Says He’s ‘Seriously Considering’ Offer from Head and Shoulders Shampoo”

Tom Brady Confuses Followers with Cryptic Pole Dancing Twitter Post

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Tom Brady Instagram

Those hoping to glean some information about Tom Brady’s future whereabouts via his social media may have to work a bit harder, as the six-time Super Bowl champ just posted a cryptic black-and-white photo on Twitter and Instagram of him pole dancing in a stadium tunnel.

Continue reading “Tom Brady Confuses Followers with Cryptic Pole Dancing Twitter Post”

Jason Garrett Hired as Giants’ Offensive Coordinator, to Become Lone Man Clapping for Giants in MetLife Stadium

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images

The New York Giants confirmed on friday that former Dallas Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett has agreed to become the next offensive coordinator of the New York Giants following disappointing seasons for both parties. As an added benefit, Garrett will become the first and only person to clap for the Giants’ offense next season. Continue reading “Jason Garrett Hired as Giants’ Offensive Coordinator, to Become Lone Man Clapping for Giants in MetLife Stadium”

Tom Brady Shocks World by Declaring for XFL Draft

by Alex Poletti
Photo by AP Photo/Matt Rourke

In a move that confused many in the football world, the NFL GOAT Tom Brady declared for the XFL draft. This move will end his two-decade stint with the New England Patriots, as well as his NFL service time.

Continue reading “Tom Brady Shocks World by Declaring for XFL Draft”