Tag: Raptors

Steph Curry, Draymond Green Injure Themselves in Solidarity with Fallen Teammates

by Alex Poletti

At the end of the six-game series against the Toronto Raptors, it seemed that Steph Curry and Draymond Green were the only Golden State players left standing. After the remainder of their All-Stars got injured, the Warriors just couldn’t hang with Kawhi Leonard and the Raptors. To show solidarity with their teammates, both Curry and Green have elected to injure themselves.

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Kevin Durant Encouraged to Take Up Knitting After Achilles Tear

by Alex Poletti

After a heartbreaking injury in game five of the NBA Finals, Golden State Warriors forward Kevin Durant looks likely to be in recovery for a considerable amount of time, leading Director of Sports Medicine and Performance Rick Celebrini to suggest knitting as an alternative to basketball.

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Toronto Fans Blasted for Cheering After Eight-Year-Old Warriors Fan Falls, Skins Knee

by Luke DePalatis

After the Golden State Warriors managed to pull together a miracle win in the NBA finals last night, all was looking up for 8-year-old Timmy Miller, a local Oakland resident and Warriors fan. Though an emotionally taxing game, due to Kevin Durant’s injury, Timmy was in his front yard, shooting hoops with his father, Todd.

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Breaking: Raptors Hired Tonya Harding to Give Warriors Nancy Kerrigan Treatment

by Alex Poletti

In a shocking discovery by two San Francisco private investigators, a conspiracy has been revealed in which the Toronto Raptors hired Tonya Harding as a consultant to injure several members of the Golden State Warriors team, including Kevin Durant, Klay Thompson and DeMarcus Cousins.

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Being Canadian, Raptors Too Nice To Win Two in a Row Against Warriors

by Alex Poletti

After winning game one of the 2019 NBA Finals against the Golden State Warriors by a score of 118-109, the Toronto Raptors have announced that, due to their polite Canadian nature, they will not win the second game of the series.

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In Honor of First Finals Appearance, Raptors to Release Real Dinosaur on Crowd

by Alex Poletti

To live up to the hype of the organization’s first ever Finals appearance, Toronto Raptors management has announced that they will unleash a real, genetically-engineered Raptor to descend upon the masses at halftime of game one.

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